Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
