It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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