my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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