my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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