It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
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Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
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I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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