Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
