I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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