Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
