can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
