I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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