I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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