still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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