and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
