I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
