the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Is it because I queefed?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
did i just pee glitter
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