It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Randomize
