I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
