dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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