i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
