she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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