If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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