Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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