I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
