Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
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Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
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He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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