My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Randomize
