I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
