I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
