Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
