I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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