She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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