I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Randomize
