i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
