I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
