The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
