I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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