quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
