he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'd cum for enchiladas.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
