DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Randomize
