I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
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