She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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