youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
