Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
