we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
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