I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
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