guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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