You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
