I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
