I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
where am i from again
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
