I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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