I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
