your parents love me but you hate me
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
