We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
