I think my fart just growled at me.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
