you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
