I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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