im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Randomize
