Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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