god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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